Showing posts with label teresa palmer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label teresa palmer. Show all posts

January 31, 2013

Warm Bodies

Even in a post-apocalyptic future,
you'll end up next to this in the $5 bin at Walmart

Grade: C
Director: Jonathan Levine
Starring: Nicholas Hoult, Teresa Palmer, Analeigh Tipton, Rob Corddry, Dave Franco and John Malkovich
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hr. 37 min.

It takes more than Kensington Gore to make a good monster movie, and it takes more than spackling your film with Shakespearean tropes to lend it Meaning™. Warm Bodies tries to have to both ways, along with harvesting the teen romantic-comedy market for good measure. Isaac Marion’s source novel of the same name was published in late 2011, an important fact in nailing down its sundry pop-cultural influences. It’s Romeo & Juliet meets The Walking Dead meets Twilight meets a steaming pile of rotting entrails.

Our narrator is a zombie named R (Nicholas Hoult)—as in Romeo, get it?—who falls for a girl named Julie (Teresa Palmer)—as in Juliet, get it?—and has a best friend named M (Rob Corddry)—as in...oh, forget it. There’s also a scene where R appears below Julie’s balcony. But while R and Julie’s respective tribes don’t get along, it has less to do with family squabbling and more to do with the fact that R’s undead pals want to feast on Julie and the last vestiges of humankind.

But R is unusual, starting with the fact that while he can’t talk, sleep, dream or do anything but amble around all day waiting for a dollop of viscera to fall his way, he can provide an entirely articulate, introspective voice over narration. While on food patrol one day, R and his buddies happen upon a band of gun totting 20-somethings, including Julie and her boyfriend Perry (Dave Franco). R munches on Perry’s brains, allowing R to absorb and envision Perry’s memories, which are projected somewhat miraculously in two-shot and multi-angle imagery. R becomes infatuated with Julie and sneaks her to his home, an abandoned 747 parked on the tarmac of a derelict airport.

Never mind the fact that R chowed down on Julie's boo—his tousled hair and ‘80s vinyl record collection, when combined with a heady dose of Stockholm Syndrome, is all that’s required for her to go gaga. In return, R starts experiencing some special feelings that spread to the rest of his carnivorous clan the first time they glimpse R and Julie holding hands.

Director Jonathan Levine (50/50, The Wackness) aims to imbue this romance with some sidelong commentary about our disconnected society. But limiting ourselves to the zombie genre, that was done better and more satirically in just the opening half-hour of Shaun of the Dead. All Warm Bodies does is offer up such puzzling queries as why these zombies are the slow-moving George Romero kind at the beginning of the film but the frenzied 28 Days Later variety by the end. Why is ‘80s rock, record players and Polaroid instant cameras featured prominently alongside iPods, Blu-ray and convertible BMWs? What is the power source for R’s airplane and the moving walkways at the zombie-populated airport? Since R is already dead, why does Julie constantly refer to the threat of him “dying” or getting “killed,” including at the hands of her ramrod, freedom-fighting father (John Malkovich)?

Levine shoots the film in a drab grayscale; apologists would say this is to capture the look of a post-apocalyptic tableau when its true intent is avoiding the sort of vivid imagery that would usually carry with it an R-rating instead of the tepid PG-13 the filmmakers clearly wanted. Moreover, if you’re going to foist Romeo & Juliet, then have the courage of your literary conceit and embrace its tragic story arc. Put these together, and Warm Bodies is the thing you’d least expect: bloodless.

February 19, 2011

I Am Number Four

I fought the law and the law...wow, really?

Grade: D +

Director: D.J. Caruso

Starring: Alex Pettyfer, Timothy Olyphant, Teresa Palmer, Dianna Agron, and Callan McAuliffe

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Running Time: 1 hr 50 min

Adapted from a young adult sci-fi novel that was published just over six months ago (no, seriously), I Am Number Four stars Alex Pettyfer as the fourth of nine aliens marooned on Earth who are being hunted by a marauding species bent on universal domination. Or, that’s the most I could surmise from this contrived, silly mess.

Disguised as a high schooler, Number Four takes a shine to a plucky photog named Sarah (Dianna Agron), at least until a hotter blonde with cooler superpowers and tighter pants (Teresa Palmer) shows up for the CGI-filled finale.

Helmed by D.J. Caruso (Eagle Eye; Disturbia), nothing that’s said or spoken here makes the least bit of sense – e.g., in the midst of running from the police and murderous, campy space invaders, Number Four and Sarah take a detour to the school’s darkroom to develop some pics. It’s as if the Glee kids starred in a remake of Twilight directed by Ed Wood.

Neil Morris

July 16, 2010

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Dumb and Dumbest



Grade: C –

Director: Jon Turteltaub

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Jay Baruchel, Alfred Molina, Teresa Palmer, and Toby Kebbell

MPAA Rating: PG

Running Time: 1 hour, 49 minutes


Nicholas Cage, Jerry Bruckheimer, and Jon Turteltaub reteam for more National Treasure-style gobbledygook in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, a kiddie action-fantasy flick beaten into immediate antiquity by a blur of stupefying, subpar FX and no less than five credited screenwriters.


Cage plays Balthazar, a master sorcerer once mentored by Merlin, locked in a 1,000-year race against the nefarious and natty Horvath (Alfred Molina) – his ex-best friend but now arch-nemesis – to locate mankind’s savior in the form of some made-up something called the “Prime Merlinian” before Horvath can release the spirit of the evil witch Morgana (Alice Krige) from her grimhold prison.


Balthazar’s prodigious protégé turns out to be Dave (Jay Baruchel), a college tech-head and another in a long line of movie geeks – most recently Baruchel himself in She’s Out of My League – who manage to woo a gorgeous girl who is, well, out of his league. Here, it’s Becky (Teresa Palmer), an NYU classmate and blond beauty who inexplicably takes as a shine to Dave’s newfound ability to foil muggers and his obsession with making music using plasma streams and Tesla coils in his deserted subway station-cum-basement. Yep, you read that right.


The dialogue is so vapid and the plot so joyless that even the otherwise gonzo sight of Cage wearing funny hats, shooting plasma balls, and riding art deco griffins isn’t enough to summon a pleasantly kitschy spell. Baruchel’s miscasting – voice, gait, mannerisms, everything – becomes apparent whenever Dave must don the hero’s cloak. Molina is the best part of a bad movie for the second time this summer (see also Prince of Persia).


The storyline was originally conceived by Cage (danger alert…) as a live-action homage to the Sorcerer’s Apprentice segment in Fantasia. Unfortunately, the only noticeable send-up of the 1940 Disney classic is when Dave conjures a roomful of dancing mops and brooms, a tonally out-of-place and nonsensical scene even in a movie with millennium-old wizards and fire-breathing dragons rampaging through Chinatown.


For a movie about magic, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice contains precious little of its own.


Neil Morris